Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Unrecognizable continued...

This is part two of my life update, I guess you'd say.  I was thinking that my life today is Unrecognizable to my life last year and I ended up sort of summarizing what I've been doing for a year.  To read part one, click here.

It was in Michigan that I realized that even though I was creating my own happiness, it wasn't going to be enough.  I had to take that leap of faith and ask for a divorce.  It didn't matter that I had no idea where I was to live, where the money was going to come from or how I was going to pay my bills.  All of those things were secondary to the fact that I could not make the necessary changes in my marriage to make it worth staying.   I remember telling myself that as long as we had Mocha, our kitty, that I would stay with Tom.  I didn't realize what a huge promise that was or how powerful that was going to be.  When Mocha passed away in Dec of 2011, my life fell apart and at the time I had no idea why.  It's all because my heart and my soul knew that I had to make that decision.  Do I stay or do I go?   It took me almost a year from her death to actually act, but it was the right thing.

I had been telling my husband on and off for years that things weren't right, we needed to be more affectionate, we should kiss daily, we needed to work on our relationship as a married couple as we were becoming roommates who cooked dinner every so often, etc.   He thought everything was just fine, but I think he just didn't want change.  Asking him for a divorce opened his eyes, that's for sure!   Since it came as such a shock, I decided to give him a couple of months of working together to get us back to a comfortable center, now that he was very aware I was serious.  

We managed to make it through December and January with very little to show for it.  February was our seven day trip to Barbados and I could see that trip would be best spent saying goodbye and getting the closure we both needed.  (see the post here) It was one of the best soul cleansing weeks I have ever had.  I said goodbye, I cried ten million tears and I had a good time with my husband.  By the end of the week I knew deep into my very core that I had done the right thing for both of us.  I love him but our 18 year relationship has run its course.  Now we just had to get to the paperwork.

I have been in my own apartment since March, we have put our condo on the market and we currently have a signed offer, he sold his business to his partner and ultimately moved out of state.  We packed up most of the condo contents together and asked friends to come help us pack and relocate our belongings, too.   Thank goodness for friends!  I thank them every day for helping us.  Tom and I still aren't divorced, the attorney we hired, who handles uncontested divorces has his feet in mud, I swear.  Hopefully before the end of the summer it will be final.  

I intended from the very beginning that there would be no fighting, no anger, nothing to make this awful.  The decision to end the marriage was emotional enough, I wasn't going to allow anger to make its way into the ending.   The only emotions I could control of course were mine.  Thankfully Tom was onboard for a good outcome.  So far our split has been calm.  It hasn't been stress-free, but I am so proud of us.  

Sunshine has absolutely come back into my life. My deep sadness has gone away.  I marvel at the way a body can both protect and heal itself.  Last year was protection mode, that's for sure.  This year is for healing.  

I'll tie up this story into a nice bow in the next installment.  


Tuesday, May 21, 2013


My life is almost unrecognizable from the way it was just a year ago.
Sure I do a lot of the same things, but I am very different.

Last year I was trying to bolster myself up so I could ask my husband for a divorce.  

Last year I was getting my antique booth up and running so I might have some money coming in.

Last year I was scared that once again, I would push the idea of divorce out of my mind and go on pretending to be happy. 

Last year I said yes to my friend, Steve, and told him that I would be his caregiver.  He lived alone and needed someone who would help him get to and from dialysis three times a week and be there for him for appointments, doctor visits and ultimately be his caregiver full time (for a few weeks) when he got the call to get his kidney transplant.  This full time role could be years away.  We were told 3 to 5 years.

Last year I was bone weary, emotionally drained, walking through my days praying something good would happen so I could hold on to that feeling to make it until the next day.  

Last year the thought of blogging was so overwhelming that I had to quit.

Last year the thought of taking a picture was mind numbing.

Last year walking into my house every day without my kitty there to greet me was just heartbreaking. 

I seriously felt that everything in my life was sad.  Even volunteering to take Steve to dialysis was sad.  He was usually happy and upbeat when I picked him up to take him to dialysis but by the time I got back a few hours later the dialysis had literally drained him, gave him a headache and he rarely ever felt decent again until the next day.  

It was actually the weekly trips (Tue, Thur and Sat) picking up Steve, taking him to D (as we called it) and then coming back an hour or so before he got unhooked from the dialysis machine, that got me living again.  They say if you can't help yourself then you can help someone else and that will in turn help you.  Well, I decided to listen to whoever THEY is!  I decided that if we had to go through 3 to 5 YEARS of dialysis, I couldn't be heartbroken every single time I dropped him off and picked him up.  I had to make it the best experience possible for both of us.  I had to make the day worth it.  So I just started being my goofy self, I laughed as much as possible, we talked about happy things, I asked questions about Steve's life and teased him about those things later (I love to tease!) and he responded with fun and laughter, too.   It was a light, a big, huge, giant light!  D days were still a bit depressing, but it was almost always a nice time together and I believe Steve got stronger and so did I during that time.

Found on Pinterest - unknown origin

I went on an adventure in August (leaving Steve in the capable hands of our transplant community who shuttled him back and forth while I was gone.)  I once again went up the East Coast and spent a few weeks with friends.  My friend Bob, who I've talked about quite a bit on here, is one of my best friends.  She and I are quite a pair and we always have a good time together.  She needed help getting her house cleaned out so she could put it on the market and I spent two weeks or more maybe with her and we played a little and packed and sorted and had a garage sale and stuff.  We talked and watched Downton Abbey Seasons One and Two and laughed and cried.  It was another incredible adventure.  More light was coming in to make me stronger.

I spent a week in Amish country with my friend Lynn.  She had set up a transplant recipient reunion at her place, so I helped in the final few days before the event.  It was so great to have so many friends from around the country come to the reunion.  My transplant community is my home, I've come to realize that more and more.  I love being a part of it.  I think a spotlight is now shining on me by this time.

I went home to Michigan in October for two weeks.  Home.  I always love being home, but this time I had so much hope for myself that I knew I had it in me to change my life.  It was this trip home that gave me the thinking time without any pressure.  I cried a million tears that trip.  It's funny how coming home can do that.  

To be continued...