Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Late night musings part ii

I saved this section for today because I was kind of hoping that I would chicken out and not post it.  It is the end of the late night musing that I wrote sometime last year.  Part I is here.  Thanks so much for all of the lovely comments I received yesterday.  It's nice to know that I don't have to be a perfect writer to have a voice!


Ever since I can remember I have felt rejected by people.  The "they don't like me" type of rejection.  It came up again the other day.  I thought I was going to do something with a group of people and just a day or so before the event I was told that I couldn't come.  I discovered later that everyone else was still invited, but I was not.  I didn't think "That's OK, we'll do it again next time."  I immediately thought "What have I done?"  "Have they just been being nice to me all this time and now when other people are involved they don't want me to be around?"  Later when it was explained what happened, I totally understood, but it was tough to handle for a day or so.

One day I asked someone to go to the movies with me and they replied that they didn't go to the movies.  End of conversation.  Had they followed that up with, "...but I'd love to go out to dinner next week," or "maybe we can get together after the movie for ice cream," I wouldn't have felt like it was a total rejection of me and not just the movie.

I have also never felt friend worthy.  Maybe that's why my BFFs live on opposite coasts as far from me as possible!  I don't like to chat on the phone, so I tend not to stay in touch with people as closely as I probably should.

I have been trying my very best in the transplant community to be a friend no matter how temporary that friendship may be.  It's funny, I still get that little girl left out feeling when I hear that so and so went shopping together last night.  Why didn't they call me? and I really am not the all-day-shopping kind of gal.  I just want to feel included all the time. 

On my kindergarten progress report it says,"Socially - often times feels left out of the group.  Believes she is being rejected."

How does something like that start at age four?  and how does it continue through 44?

My Kindergarten photo

Actually I do know that the transplant community has made me a lot more self confident.  I have to be the best friend that I can possibly be to each person but then allow those people to gravitate towards those in our group that best suit them.  I know that these folks don't need a new best friend for life, they need a new best friend for right now, through this situation, and I know I am not that to everyone.  Thank goodness, I'd be exhausted! 

I love these folks fast and have learned to let go when they go home.  Some goodbyes are much harder than others, this is true, but I know I have a special place in all of their hearts - even if I wasn't their best friend.

I read somewhere that a person teaches what they need to learn the most about.  Maybe I should write a book about how to make friends and keep them through thick and thin.  Maybe then I will understand how to be a great friend and have the confidence to know that the people I friend are friends back.

 I have actually come a long way since I wrote this nearly a year ago, but I decided to put it out there anyway since I'm sure that I'm not alone in feeling this way.   Thankfully I have a wonderful family that I love to no end.  I've always had that love and acceptance from them and it's never once wavered.  That's probably been the reason why I can dismiss the "rejected" type of feelings that pop up every so often and not dwell on it.

Have a wonderful day and thanks for being my friends!


Marg said...

Kristin, I've always been the you you've just described. I always chalked it up to being abandoned by my father when I was two : ) I always struggle with trying to believe that this is not rational and behave that I believe it. It took/takes time! There are more of us out their than you think. I love you my dear, and I admire you, and you make me smile.

Dysfunctional Mom said...

I would never have imagined you felt that way. You come across as very self-confident.
I am a lot like you in that way and I also very self-conscious and almost paranoid in that if I hear someone say something I automatically think it's about me, and then I over-analyze it, often to find out later that it had nothing to do with me.
I'm really glad you shared all of this, and that you're doing better with these feelings now!

Rebecca said...

I bet it's more common to feel that way than you think. I feel that way frequently too. Oh well, right? Not much you can do in a situation like that but just enjoy the company of those who are there and around you.

And the kindergarten photo?! Love it!

Bettyann said...

I think everyone has those feelings, just to different degrees. Over confident people don't give of themself like you do, you make everyone feel like they are special!!

Lisa said...

You are definitely not alone. I have often felt the same way. I hate the telephone. I am too self aware i.e. insecure. I doubt my ability to communicate effectively. If it weren't for texting I would hardly ever use my phone to initiate contact with folks. Sometimes, like yesterday, I just want to disappear into my own little world and not be the one always making the connections. sometimes, like yesterday, I want to hide just to see who'd miss me.

I think the feeling of rejected comes from being so sensitive and taking everything to heart. I do it too!

Mrs4444 said...

Boy, these comments are awesome. I agree; it's human nature to feel slighted when not included in things, even when it's not personal.

For some reason, you put good effort into relationships you know are likely to be short-lived, and that is good for your transplant patients; your selflessness is wonderful. I guess you could ask yourself if you put the same level of commitment into your more-lasting friendships and why or why not. (I'm not asking--just throwing the point out for your consideration.)

I think society conditions us the believe we should have a "best friend." I have lots of relationships that I value very much, but no true "best" friend. I wonder if I am weird :)

Keetha Broyles said...

I too have "felt" this feeling from time to time - - - but being an outgoing person I usually stick my nose right in, trying to make people laugh in an effort to make it go away.

Even moi, outgoing soul that I am, would have struggled with feelings of rejection if I had suddenly been uninvited to something that everyone ELSE got to attend.

I LOVE being around you, Kristin!!!