Ever since I can remember I have felt rejected by people. The "they don't like me" type of rejection. It came up again the other day. I thought I was going to do something with a group of people and just a day or so before the event I was told that I couldn't come. I discovered later that everyone else was still invited, but I was not. I didn't think "That's OK, we'll do it again next time." I immediately thought "What have I done?" "Have they just been being nice to me all this time and now when other people are involved they don't want me to be around?" Later when it was explained what happened, I totally understood, but it was tough to handle for a day or so.
One day I asked someone to go to the movies with me and they replied that they didn't go to the movies. End of conversation. Had they followed that up with, "...but I'd love to go out to dinner next week," or "maybe we can get together after the movie for ice cream," I wouldn't have felt like it was a total rejection of me and not just the movie.
I have also never felt friend worthy. Maybe that's why my BFFs live on opposite coasts as far from me as possible! I don't like to chat on the phone, so I tend not to stay in touch with people as closely as I probably should.
I have been trying my very best in the transplant community to be a friend no matter how temporary that friendship may be. It's funny, I still get that little girl left out feeling when I hear that so and so went shopping together last night. Why didn't they call me? and I really am not the all-day-shopping kind of gal. I just want to feel included all the time.
On my kindergarten progress report it says,"Socially - often times feels left out of the group. Believes she is being rejected."
How does something like that start at age four? and how does it continue through 44?
My Kindergarten photo
Actually I do know that the transplant community has made me a lot more self confident. I have to be the best friend that I can possibly be to each person but then allow those people to gravitate towards those in our group that best suit them. I know that these folks don't need a new best friend for life, they need a new best friend for right now, through this situation, and I know I am not that to everyone. Thank goodness, I'd be exhausted!
I love these folks fast and have learned to let go when they go home. Some goodbyes are much harder than others, this is true, but I know I have a special place in all of their hearts - even if I wasn't their best friend.
I read somewhere that a person teaches what they need to learn the most about. Maybe I should write a book about how to make friends and keep them through thick and thin. Maybe then I will understand how to be a great friend and have the confidence to know that the people I friend are friends back.
I have actually come a long way since I wrote this nearly a year ago, but I decided to put it out there anyway since I'm sure that I'm not alone in feeling this way. Thankfully I have a wonderful family that I love to no end. I've always had that love and acceptance from them and it's never once wavered. That's probably been the reason why I can dismiss the "rejected" type of feelings that pop up every so often and not dwell on it.
Have a wonderful day and thanks for being my friends!